Note: my post below outlines typical scenarios for typical family structures. If your family structure is atypical, I hope you can apply the below to your situation, or ignore for lack of relevance.

I’ve been stuck in a time vortex for the past four and a half weeks, as my wife went to preterm labor and about eight hours later, my daughter was born at 32+4 weeks. Everyone is great and healthy, and my daughter Ruby came home this week, just in time for Thanksgiving.

No parent should have to spend time in the NICU

When someone is expecting an imminent birth, we don’t normally build in the scenario for any or even extended stays in the NICU. The expectation is either a vaginal or cesearean, which determines how long mom stays in the hospital, and then we all go home. Since Ruby was so early, she barely knew how to eat on her own (coordination), and she had to basically learn how to breathe (apnea and bradycardia). After feeding tubes, constant monitoring, and pure time, she got to come home at 36+4 weeks gestational age. We are thrilled to have her home and it is so much easier. Her routine was care-time and feeding every three hours: 3,6,9,12. Rounds were at 10am. Every day we would wake up, usually eat overnight oats for breakfast, get dressed, and make it to the hostpital for the 9am care time. Luckily we only live ~ 10 minutes from the hospital. We would feed and hold her, participate in her care time, my wife would pump, and we would get updates during rounds. We would get home around lunch time, where I would make lunch and get a couple of things done. Since this was so damn hard, my wife would be missing Ruby immediately and usually returned for the 15:00 care time. I went often as well, but it was also a good time for parents or friends to join. Back at home between 17:00 and 18:00. I would work on dinner and we’d hang out for a couple hours before going back for the 21:00 care time. We’d be home around 23:00, go to bed, and do it all over again.

We did that for a month straight. Ruby did not have any major complications - it was just playing the waiting game until she was capable of going home. It was still hard as hell, and probably the hardest thing I will ever do. One of her NPs said that extended NICU stays are so stressful, that they cause a lot of divorces. I found that sad and realistic at the same time. My wife and I were both on paid parental leave the moment we had to drop everything, which was when her water broke in CostCo. Other families may not have the luxury. Root Cause Analysis would most likely roll back the stress induced from a NICU stay to be primarily due to work and pay. As a father, I currently get six weeks off of work. Every minute has been crucial and sadly, it’s still not enough, especially with a front-loaded NICU stay. I burned through 2/3 of my alotted time, and my daugher had not even come home yet. I’m thankful for the time that I’ve been given off, and am aware that most do not get or utilize the amount of time I am taking. Somehow, it still does not feel like enough time.

How Do I be everything to everyone?

Attitudes towards parental leave have drastically shifted through the decades. My Dad, while holding my daughter for the first time, relented about the culture when all of his children were born: once they come home from the hospital, it’s back to work time. It’s quite common now for men to take off just a few days to get settled and then we are right back at it. According to this Pew Research study, close to 7 in 10 fathers that take paternity leave return to work in two weeks or less, with the median week of one week (the median for mothers is 11 weeks). 56% of all parental-leave takers report that they did not take off enough time, whether they neeeded to or simply wanted to. 59% of fathers wish they had taken more time. Right now, I do not know where the sweet spot is, and it will vary from family to family. What I do know is that things in general need to change. Anecdotally, women have higher expectations about men’s involvement in parenting. Societal policies have yet to fully catch up to this expectation, however. Yes, mom is still primary care-giver to baby, but mom needs a ton of help and support. Right now we are working in shifts

I do not have any desire to ‘abuse’ the system. I simply wish to focus on my family instead of my career for once. Some good news is that I might be getting more time than the original six weeks. I’m currently working on that. It’s ok to acknowledge that your priorities have been out of alignment. I am wired to find purpose in career, but happiness comes from elsewhere.